It was surprising to me the number of people from my work world who stayed in touch when I left the company. Surprising because I thought we had friendly conversations about life, things beyond work that would sustain past my employment. Surprising because I learned I was naïve in thinking people will automatically keep in touch. Surprising because it were so few.
I’m not sure what stops them. Time, I suspect. And prioritization.
Work friends were of particular importance when working because they helped me feel I had a tribe, that I was not in this alone, that I had somewhere to go to let off steam. A source that would understand why I needed to let off steam, when those at home don’t.
When I no longer worked, there seemed to be nothing to talk about when I visited with old workmates those few times we got together. I think that’s what happens with work friends sometimes. Since I am no longer in the trenches a relevant discussion isn’t possible and so efforts to get together dissipate.
The further I drifted away from the work world (in days) and all those friends I had there, the bigger that gap grew. It is like the work is really the only thing we had in common. I thought there was so much more. Doh!
At first it surprised me. Almost hurt. But then I realized that until you are in retirement you don’t know what living without work is like. That really nothing stops. You still keep up the news, watch what goes on in the world. Still have an interest in it. And while the work world fades away (at least it did for me), other activities fill its place.
Perhaps people don’t know how to ask how I was or what I was doing, as if embarrassed for my answer. Since I was no longer working, what was I doing? Nothing?
I wonder if that’s the crux of it. Without the work world, there is nothing seen as being in common and so nothing to talk about.
Now, this is not a treatise on how work friends disappear from your life. It is rather an observation on how personal changes impact friendships. And that the best friendships carry on through thick and thin.
The lucky part about retirement is that I found new retired friends (by taking classes, traveling, joining groups) with whom I share other life discussions.
Retirement is kind of like graduating from high school. Suddenly the world is a unique place and we go our own ways to forge a fresh life for ourselves. Without the impediments of fertility and with the awareness that we are mortal and not invincible.
In my annual planning, long before work ended, I reached out to my friends and asked them to set aside a day during the year that we could spend together doing whatever. I thought our friendship deserved a day of my time each year. It worked out brilliantly. It made us make plans and then stick to them. And created memories we talk about today.
So once retired, I did the same thing. Made a list of people I wanted to stay in touch with from work and added that to the old friend list and reached out regularly to keep in touch. For some, this worked. For other relationships it did not. And on reflection, I realized for them, nothing would. When a hand reaches out, one has to reach back to make the connection remain strong.
It saddened me that some did not reach back. I really enjoyed their company. However, long time ago I heard that you have friends for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime”.
This adage has carried me through loss of friends over the years. It has made it easier for me to let go when the distance between us widens. On the flip side, it opens up space for additional people who come into my life because of fresh interests that I pursue. And as I chase those interests I find just as many interesting people to connect with, have coffee with, perhaps even travel with. A whole fresh life.
2021
I’m not sure much has changed about friendships since the early days of retirement. I still have the same flock of good friends today as I did then, have added a couple of new members of my gang but not a lot. The pandemic hasn’t helped that – it is more a time of building stronger bonds with those that are friends, to keep us all supported during this time. Time enough for new friends later.
